One of the biggest surprises to me when I had my miscarriage about 3 weeks ago is how many girls told me that they too had miscarried at least once before if not more. I realized that having a miscarriage is like joining this secret society that no one talks about. So many people either commented on my Facebook status or messaged me privately about how they had also miscarried before and at that point I wondered why no one really talks about it.
One of the most helpful things for me these last three weeks has been talking to a friend who had confided in me almost a year ago when she had a miscarriage. She said something that really hit home when she told me, "This is not to be rude but unless you've had a miscarriage before, you don't truly understand how it feels." I was so glad that she had told me that she miscarried because it was such a blessing to be able to not feel crazy about the feelings I was having directly after finding out. Telling someone else, even if they are close to me, just didn't really help as much as it did to tell someone who has been there themselves.
She understood the sadness, anger, emptiness, devastation, despair, and loneliness that I was feeling. My husband was and has been AMAZING, but the father who loses a baby due to a miscarriage just doesn't quite understand what the mother is going through because the baby is not a part of him in the same way that it is a part of the mother. There is a bond and a connection that begins the second you find out you are carrying this life inside of you.
I think it is important to get your feelings out with anything you are going through. Whether it is talking about it with someone or just writing it down; it's important to not let it well up inside of you. For me, writing has been a great release and when I am feeling sad or angry about the loss I've experienced, I write down everything I am feeling in a journal.
Since finding out about my miscarriage, I have gone to the internet numerous times in search of shared experiences that might give me some hope or solace which brings me to this blog. I believe it is important for me to share my truth with the hopes that when some other girl finds out their baby has gone to a better place, they can find some validation for every feeling that they might experience. I have experienced denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and I am still working on acceptance.
It still feels like it was just yesterday that I found out my sweet baby was not going to ever be a part of my world which tells me I am not yet where I need to be before I can fully accept that he/she is gone. What I feel like most is that I have found enough things to occupy my time and fill my thoughts so I can avoid what I am really feeling which is sadness and anger. I'm stuck more on the anger side of this struggle.
I often feel more pressure to be okay with it all because there is an expectation that because I am a Christian I must clothe myself with this robe of strength because I have a hope and an understanding that someone else in my position might not. The expectation is true, I do have that hope and understanding. I know He makes everything work according to His timing and His plan. I know almost ans instinctively as I know how to breathe that I must cling to this truth -- but that does not make it easy to accept nor does it make it any easier to walk by racks full of baby clothes that I had begun to get excited about buying once we found out the gender.
This experience, like many in my life, is one that I do not know how someone would get through without Jesus but that does not mean that because I do have Jesus I will magically bounce back. It will take time and I know that.
Being pregnant is the most life altering experience. The minute you read that "+" on the test strip, you cannot think about anything else but being pregnant. Everything you do, you wonder if it will have a positive or negative impact on this life you've been blessed with caring for. Everything from what you eat or drink to how hot you make your bath water is something you mull over before you decide what to do. These decisions that previously would have never been difficult are now decisions you are making for someone else.
Everything comes back to being pregnant. If you are walking you think, "How long can I walk and still see my toes?" If you want to paint your nails you think, "Is fingernail polish harmful?" If you are getting dressed in the morning you wonder when you will have to finally break down and buy new pants to fit in. Everything in your day revolves around this little life inside of you.
Having a miscarriage changes that in a very sudden and drastic way. One minute every thought and decision is about this baby and then BOOM! it's gone and you are left feeling more empty than you could ever imagine. There were days right after finding out about my miscarriage that I would forget that I was not pregnant anymore. It's like having a dream and then realizing late in the afternoon that it was all a dream and that it never happened.
The day of my surgery I was watching a movie with my husband, Horrible Bosses 2 of all movies, and a character in the movie has triplets. In one scene, the babies are all in infant seats that bounce and sway and I opened my mouth to tell Kyle, "We need to register for one of those for the baby" and it hit me suddenly that my baby was gone. It was like having to relive that moment in the doctors' office. Immediately, I began to cry over this loss of not only the life inside of me but the life I was planning for us as a family. This happened a lot over the days following my D&C.
As I said before, I have been through many stages during this process and one of those was bargaining. There were a lot of conversations that I had with myself in my mind and some that I had with Kyle about the what if's. What if I had gone to the doctor when I was having extreme back pain? What if my bath water was too hot? What if I had a cheese that wasn't on the list of approved cheeses? What if I had walked every day? The amount of what if's was exhausting and overwhelming and I Googled way too many things. This was the toughest stage of the miscarriage because you are left feeling inadequate and like a failure. It's important, like many told me, to not blame yourself.
Being pregnant, knowingly for 8 weeks, I had become very used to this new me and it had become very much who I was. To have it ripped away was devastating. I miss being pregnant and I miss the life I was planning. The truth is, I felt like I was who I have always wanted to be when I was pregnant. Almost as if I was an actor who'd dreamed of Broadway their whole life and I finally got to step out on that stage for the first time. Being a mom has been what I have wanted for as long as I can remember and it's the only thing that I have ever really thought I would do really well.
I am mediocre at best with everything I have attempted to be in life: singer, dancer, employee, student, daughter, sister, wife, friend, writer, nanny, artist, dresser, cook, baker, etc. You name it -- I'm been average at it. Being a mother is just something I've always thought I would nail. I truly believe it is my calling. So back to the analogy of a Broadway actor--I'm waiting on my big break. And, that is my truth.
Xoxo,
Nicole
