Braver, Stronger, Smarter

Baby Gray would have been 20 weeks today.  It's been 6 weeks since finding out that he/she became an angel.  It's still very hard to cope with the fact that my baby is gone.  There are many days when I tell my husband, "I'm still really sad we are not pregnant anymore."  While it has become easier, there are still certain triggers that make me really sad.  For example, walking by any baby section in any store or when a kid in one of my classes says, "Do you have any kids?"  I think it will become easier with each passing day, but I also think it is something I will carry with me forever.

Winnie the Pooh has always been a favorite of mine.  His cuddly simple nature has always been so endearing and encouraging even in my adulthood.  Winnie the Pooh was an option for a nursery for Baby Gray and is a piece of literature I have always planned on sharing with my kids.  I was reading Winnie quotes today and came across this one.  It is one I have heard a thousand times but today it struck a different chord and felt like Baby Gray was reading to me.

It says: 

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”-A.A. Milne

I have to remember to be brave.  Be brave and try again for Baby Gray Number Two.  While I am excited for this, I often find myself fearing the worst outcome and I have to remember to be brave.  I have so many angels watching over me and the journey ahead.

I have to be strong.  Be strong if/when I am pregnant again.  Strong to make the same good choices I made during my first pregnancy and strong to not give in to every worry or concern that may seem heightened having been through what I've been through.  Strong enough to talk about my feelings and concerns with people that will lift me up.

I have to be smart.  After the miscarriage, I was asking my husband all sorts of "What if's."  "What if my bath was too hot?"  "What if I ate something wrong?"  "What if I wasn't careful enough with certain activities?"  The list goes on and on.  Finally, he said, "Don't be stupid.  I've told you.  The Dr. told you.  Your friend told you.  It was nothing you did.  Genetically something was wrong and it just didn't work out.  It does not do any good for you to keep thinking it was something you did."  Yes, sounds harsh, but sometimes you need a good slap-in-the-face-get-out-of-your-mind-reminder to really get the point across.  I am a smart girl and I need to remember that I did and will do just fine being pregnant.

I have to remember that even though some of our tomorrows will be apart, (there will be a tomorrow in Heaven), Baby Gray will always be with me.  He/She is in my heart.  My heart explodes thinking of just how precious it must be to be with Jesus.

Xoxo,

Nicole