Trust. Firm belief in the RELIABILITY, TRUTH, ABILITY, or STRENGTH of someone or something. Trust is very difficult for me and I notice it when I come to a chapter in my life where I really, really have to trust God. I am a planner. I like to know what to expect. I like to control certain situations. This is why I make a giant packing list when I am going on a trip or why I made a list last night of everything I would need for a training this morning and marked it off twice as I made sure it was all there.
Currently, literally right now, I am struggling with trusting that God will give me a family. Before we starting trying to get pregnant I had a small part of me that said, "You know this might not happen as quickly as you'd like," and then after one month of trying we were pregnant. After finding out about the pregnancy there was that small part of me that said, "You know it's possible you'll miscarry," and I did. So now, there is a big part of me saying, "You know this isn't going to happen for you and even if it does, you'll miscarry again." My thoughts are as good an indicator as any that I am not trusting God like I should As much as I want to be positive and trust God, it's not the easiest thing for me. Kyle, he never waivers. He is steady. I admire him for that and it encourages me to be more like that.
In the last few weeks, I have felt more emotions regarding pregnancy. I had kind of been on the uphill climb toward being okay with my miscarriage, but I have had triggers lately that have had me reversing. I have only recently decided that it's okay for me to feel that way as long as I give it to Jesus and let him do a work in me.
I have triggers, many triggers, that make me very sad over losing the baby. In an effort to hopefully help someone else in the future, I wanted to write down these triggers so that you know a. somewhat what to expect and b. to let you know it's okay.
Emotional Triggers:
1. Walking by baby clothing in stores. It can be Target, Walgreens, Wal-Mart, or just the strip in Las Vegas; walking by any baby clothes makes me sad and it's extremely difficult to walk by and not want to be angry at anyone who gets to be happy in these places.
2. Seeing a pregnant girl. Before you worry that I hate you, I don't. It's just very, very hard for me to see your bump. I see you and can't help but wonder what I would look like, feel like, etc. And because I am weak, I also can't help but thinking, "Will that ever be me?" But just know, one of my very dear friends is pregnant and I am over the moon excited and so anxious to meet her little boy!
3. Seeing baby announcements on Facebook. When I see someone so excited to tell the world that they get to bring someone new into the world, my first reaction should also be excitement, but it's not. It takes a lot of strength for me to "like" this announcement. Trust me, I am happy for you, but it also stirs up all kinds of emotions for me.
4. Seeing gender announcements on Facebook. This might even be more difficult to see than just the initial baby announcement because it makes the baby a little more real when you can picture him/her and all the little cute his/her outfits they will wear. It takes even more strength for me to "like" this. But just know, it is a genuine like.
5. Being around babies. I used to LOVE being around babies. When I wasn't quite ready for a child of my own, being around babies was just the perfect dose to cure any baby fever that might arise. Now, being around babies just makes me wonder what my baby would have been like. Would he/she have been funny? Would they have been shy like I was? Would they have been chubby like Kyle? Would people say, "They look so much like you!" These are things I will never know and being around other babies makes me think all of these things and more.
6. Going anywhere that I had previously planned on being pregnant at. For example, Vegas. We planned that trip shortly before being pregnant and so for a good while, I thought I would be pregnant in Vegas and had no clue just how much being there would stir up some of those emotions again just at the reality that I was in fact not pregnant.
7. Seeing parents be hateful to their children. I was in a Hastings the other day and a mom, most likely at her wits end, was being so impatient and unkind to her little boy. This is one of the most difficult triggers because I want so desperately to be a mom so to see someone take that for granted just absolutely kills me.
8. Buying any kind of gift/card for someone's pregnancy or buying any kind of gift/card for someone's child. I immediately begin to wonder if I will ever have any of the milestones or if I will ever have a child of my own to buy cute things for or write cards to.
That being said, as uncertain as I am about the future, I do know God has a plan. I do know I need to trust Him. I am holding Kyle to his word when he says, "In one way or another we will have a family." And I am trying to soak up scriptures that speak life and truth. I am talking to Jesus constantly about my weaknesses, my worries, my fears, and I am trying to relinquish those to him. I need the FIRM BELIEF that my husband has and I know that is why I married him because he sharpens me and forces me to grow. His strengths are my weaknesses and I admire his firm belief that God will be RELIABLE, that He is ABLE, that He is STRONG, and that His word is TRUTH.
"Many put their hope in chariots, others in horses,
but we place our trust in the name of the Eternal One, our True God" - Psalm 20:7
