Sometimes when I can't process things, I like to write. Writing is what helps me make sense of my feelings and emotions. Today is a very emotional day for me. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be difficult, but when I woke up and the tears fell, I wasn't prepared for just how difficult it would be or how confusing it would be.
One year ago today, we got some devastating news. We had woken up, got dressed in our gym clothes, and had rushed to the doctor's office for a routine prenatal appointment. I was so excited that day because A. Kyle was off for the morning and I would get to spend time with him and B. we were going to get to hear the baby's heartbeat again. We got to the doctor, were taken back to a room, and the nurse began to use the fetal doppler to take a listen to our sweet baby's heartbeat. When she couldn't find it, I began to be worried, but she assured us that sometimes it's tough to find it if the baby is moving around a lot and she thought she had heard movement. She went to get a bedside ultrasound machine to see if she could find it that way. When the image came up on the screen, Kyle said that the heart was not flickering like it was the first time we saw the baby. This was when we were both certain that our baby had gone to be with Jesus.
I remember everything about that day. The doctor came in to talk to us about our options and I was eerily calm. We decided on having a D&C procedure the following day because I didn't think I would be able to handle having to wait on he/she to come on their own. We left the doctor's office and I called my mom. I was crying when I told her that I miscarried and eventually I had Kyle take over and talk to her. She said she would pack up her stuff and be in Oklahoma by the end of the night. Kyle called into work and said he would not be able to be there that day.
I decided to blog one last time on a blog I had created for the baby and to process my feelings. At this point, I was strong. I was determined to not let it bring me down. I was sad, but in a state of denial about what my new reality really was. We went on a walk and I remember telling Kyle that everything happens for a reason and that I trusted God knew what he was doing. We went to lunch and we laughed about unrelated things. We went to Barnes and Noble, did a little shopping on some gift cards we had, and I spoke with a woman in billing about how much the surgery would cost and how much we would need to put down the next day. We had food delivered to us for dinner and the day was just like any other day. Serious state of denial.
The next day, I had the surgery, went home to have lunch, and then slept. That was when it all changed and the following days, weeks, and months were the hardest days, weeks, and months of my life. I really did believe that God had a plan, that there was a reason He took the baby, but with a miscarriage comes many thoughts of doubt and also thoughts about what you might have done wrong as a mother. It doesn't matter who says, "There's nothing you did wrong or could have done to avoid this; it's not your fault" or how they say it, those thoughts do not go away until you are ready for them to. It's something that you as a mother have to come to terms with on your own time and it took me a lot of time to be okay with myself and realize that I did everything right.
Today, a year since our last appointment for Baby Gray, I had what could be my last appointment with Lillie James. The most confusing part about today is that here I am waiting on Lillie James to arrive and also grieving the loss of my first baby. It's a very confusing thing to feel grief and anticipation at the same time. There are feelings of guilt that I should not be so sad about what I have lost when I am so close to gaining something so great. I am so excited to see what Lillie James looks like and becomes, but am also so sad about not getting to ever know Baby Gray or what he/she would have looked like or would have become. There is a sadness that I feel every once in a while, especially today, about not ever making it to the stage where he/she kicked and moved around. It's just a weird day and an emotional day, but I know that it is part of the plan.
Everyone keeps asking, "How are you feeling; are you so ready for her to be here?" and I think my answer often shocks people when I say, "I'm good and I'm okay with her taking her time." The doctor said, "I know it's a hard time when you are just eager for the baby to be here" and I told her, "actually, I'm good. I know she will come when she is ready to come." I am beyond excited to hold her, kiss her, love her, and see what her little face looks like but at the same time, just as every moment of her being outside of the womb is something I can't ever get back, so is this time of just me and her. I am embracing the time I get with just her when we are in a room full of people and I'm staring at my belly watching her move or when I can't sleep at night and I have my hand on my belly feeling her move around. She is always with me and I am always with her, but that won't be the case forever. So as long as she wants it to just be the two of us, that's what I want too. I think God knows how much I missed out on all those feelings with the first baby and that's part of why she is so content in there and I am so content out here.
I am so grateful that this pregnancy has been relatively easy and smooth. I am grateful that these last weeks when I could be so miserable, I am not. Jesus knows my needs, her needs, and He has taken those into account. I have to rest assured knowing that her brother or sister is smiling down on us and will watch over us. I have to remind myself that it's okay to be sad today. It's okay to grieve for what we lost. It's okay to miss my first baby even with this new blessing on the way.
Xoxo,
Nicole
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Thursday, March 10, 2016
A Time for Everything
It's been forever since I've blogged but time has just flown by. Really, the last four or five months have just gone by in a flash and I'm over here like, "Wait, how am I already almost 36 weeks pregnant?!" This is my second time being pregnant, but my first time I had barely gotten to the "safe zone" where it's okay to tell the masses before we found out that I miscarried. So, getting this far in a pregnancy, I have learned a lot about myself and about people. Pregnancy brings about a lot of unwanted things: Swollen feet/ankles, leg cramps at night, thoughts of inadequacy, brain malfunction, unsolicited advice, the weepies, comments that should be left unheard (just to name a few). But, it also brings about a lot of wonderful things: Smiles from strangers, a different kind of closeness with your husband, an appreciation for sleep, anticipation, and a surreal kind of bond with someone you've yet to even meet.
Everyone I talk to says, "The last month seems to drag on forever," but I have a very strong feeling that this will not be my truth. I am so very excited to meet Lillie James, to see what she looks like, to hear her cry and laugh, to see her smile, and to cuddle her, but I am also realizing just how much my world is going to change and that can be very overwhelming at times. I will be responsible for this tiny human. Her every need will be met by me. Maybe I'm crazy and maybe most pregnant women at my stage are just ready to have their babies, but if there is anything I have learned while pregnant it is that not one pregnancy is the same. (And that's okay!)
I've been sick this week and so I've had a lot of time on my hands to just sit and think. Yesterday, I was thinking about just how much Lillie is going to rock my world in about a month and how in about a month it will be a year since I found out that I lost our first baby due to a miscarriage. I was thinking about how in the months that followed I had so many doubts about whether or not I would ever be a mom. It was such a difficult time in my life and I truly could not see the light at the end of the tunnel until I got pregnant the second time. So, of course, I began to feel guilty. Guilty that I've come this far in my pregnancy with no real complications and yet there I was wishing I could turn back time just a little bit to have a little more time to prepare myself for what is about to happen. Guilty that my first baby left us and I am not more appreciative of what I have now.
It goes without saying that while you are in the middle of a trial in life, you can't really seem to see what good could come out of it. That was true for me after I had my miscarriage. What good could come from losing a baby? Yesterday, in a moment of clarity, God spoke to me about this. I began to wonder how our lives would be today had we not become pregnant last January. Finding out we were pregnant lead to so many good things. It ignited our desire to return back to New Mexico, closer to family. This then lead to Kyle looking for a new job in New Mexico which lead to him getting his current job in Rio Rancho. He comes home from work now and says things like, "I really like my job." I did not hear that when we lived in Oklahoma. He actually likes going to work and financially can provide more for our family now. Had we not become pregnant when we did, would he have a job that is excited to go to and comes home happy from? Would we be living in Rio Rancho so close to family that will get to love on our sweet baby? We will never know, but it certainly changes my perspective on my miscarriage. There is a reason for everything and a time for everything under the sun and while it still breaks my heart that I did not get to meet that sweet baby, I want to thank God for what he/she brought about.
As far as feeling unprepared, I still do, but God gave me some perspective on that yesterday as well. A year ago, I was not prepared for hearing the deafening silence that was the absence of my baby's heartbeat. A year ago, I was not prepared for the heartbreak that would last months and months. A year ago, I was not prepared to feel inadequate, broken, and ashamed; but, He brought me through it just like He will bring me through these last few weeks of feeling unprepared and uneasy about the changes I will go through.
My goal in the next few weeks is to enjoy this time I have left before Lillie comes into the world. I want to cherish every moment with Kyle. I want to cherish every move Lillie makes inside my tummy because I am most certain I will miss it. I want to be present in each day and be grateful for everything I have. I want to cling to this last month and while I don't think it will be the case, I will not mind if it feels like time slows down.
Xoxo,
Nicole
Everyone I talk to says, "The last month seems to drag on forever," but I have a very strong feeling that this will not be my truth. I am so very excited to meet Lillie James, to see what she looks like, to hear her cry and laugh, to see her smile, and to cuddle her, but I am also realizing just how much my world is going to change and that can be very overwhelming at times. I will be responsible for this tiny human. Her every need will be met by me. Maybe I'm crazy and maybe most pregnant women at my stage are just ready to have their babies, but if there is anything I have learned while pregnant it is that not one pregnancy is the same. (And that's okay!)
I've been sick this week and so I've had a lot of time on my hands to just sit and think. Yesterday, I was thinking about just how much Lillie is going to rock my world in about a month and how in about a month it will be a year since I found out that I lost our first baby due to a miscarriage. I was thinking about how in the months that followed I had so many doubts about whether or not I would ever be a mom. It was such a difficult time in my life and I truly could not see the light at the end of the tunnel until I got pregnant the second time. So, of course, I began to feel guilty. Guilty that I've come this far in my pregnancy with no real complications and yet there I was wishing I could turn back time just a little bit to have a little more time to prepare myself for what is about to happen. Guilty that my first baby left us and I am not more appreciative of what I have now.
It goes without saying that while you are in the middle of a trial in life, you can't really seem to see what good could come out of it. That was true for me after I had my miscarriage. What good could come from losing a baby? Yesterday, in a moment of clarity, God spoke to me about this. I began to wonder how our lives would be today had we not become pregnant last January. Finding out we were pregnant lead to so many good things. It ignited our desire to return back to New Mexico, closer to family. This then lead to Kyle looking for a new job in New Mexico which lead to him getting his current job in Rio Rancho. He comes home from work now and says things like, "I really like my job." I did not hear that when we lived in Oklahoma. He actually likes going to work and financially can provide more for our family now. Had we not become pregnant when we did, would he have a job that is excited to go to and comes home happy from? Would we be living in Rio Rancho so close to family that will get to love on our sweet baby? We will never know, but it certainly changes my perspective on my miscarriage. There is a reason for everything and a time for everything under the sun and while it still breaks my heart that I did not get to meet that sweet baby, I want to thank God for what he/she brought about.
As far as feeling unprepared, I still do, but God gave me some perspective on that yesterday as well. A year ago, I was not prepared for hearing the deafening silence that was the absence of my baby's heartbeat. A year ago, I was not prepared for the heartbreak that would last months and months. A year ago, I was not prepared to feel inadequate, broken, and ashamed; but, He brought me through it just like He will bring me through these last few weeks of feeling unprepared and uneasy about the changes I will go through.
My goal in the next few weeks is to enjoy this time I have left before Lillie comes into the world. I want to cherish every moment with Kyle. I want to cherish every move Lillie makes inside my tummy because I am most certain I will miss it. I want to be present in each day and be grateful for everything I have. I want to cling to this last month and while I don't think it will be the case, I will not mind if it feels like time slows down.
Xoxo,
Nicole
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