It's been forever since I've blogged but time has just flown by. Really, the last four or five months have just gone by in a flash and I'm over here like, "Wait, how am I already almost 36 weeks pregnant?!" This is my second time being pregnant, but my first time I had barely gotten to the "safe zone" where it's okay to tell the masses before we found out that I miscarried. So, getting this far in a pregnancy, I have learned a lot about myself and about people. Pregnancy brings about a lot of unwanted things: Swollen feet/ankles, leg cramps at night, thoughts of inadequacy, brain malfunction, unsolicited advice, the weepies, comments that should be left unheard (just to name a few). But, it also brings about a lot of wonderful things: Smiles from strangers, a different kind of closeness with your husband, an appreciation for sleep, anticipation, and a surreal kind of bond with someone you've yet to even meet.
Everyone I talk to says, "The last month seems to drag on forever," but I have a very strong feeling that this will not be my truth. I am so very excited to meet Lillie James, to see what she looks like, to hear her cry and laugh, to see her smile, and to cuddle her, but I am also realizing just how much my world is going to change and that can be very overwhelming at times. I will be responsible for this tiny human. Her every need will be met by me. Maybe I'm crazy and maybe most pregnant women at my stage are just ready to have their babies, but if there is anything I have learned while pregnant it is that not one pregnancy is the same. (And that's okay!)
I've been sick this week and so I've had a lot of time on my hands to just sit and think. Yesterday, I was thinking about just how much Lillie is going to rock my world in about a month and how in about a month it will be a year since I found out that I lost our first baby due to a miscarriage. I was thinking about how in the months that followed I had so many doubts about whether or not I would ever be a mom. It was such a difficult time in my life and I truly could not see the light at the end of the tunnel until I got pregnant the second time. So, of course, I began to feel guilty. Guilty that I've come this far in my pregnancy with no real complications and yet there I was wishing I could turn back time just a little bit to have a little more time to prepare myself for what is about to happen. Guilty that my first baby left us and I am not more appreciative of what I have now.
It goes without saying that while you are in the middle of a trial in life, you can't really seem to see what good could come out of it. That was true for me after I had my miscarriage. What good could come from losing a baby? Yesterday, in a moment of clarity, God spoke to me about this. I began to wonder how our lives would be today had we not become pregnant last January. Finding out we were pregnant lead to so many good things. It ignited our desire to return back to New Mexico, closer to family. This then lead to Kyle looking for a new job in New Mexico which lead to him getting his current job in Rio Rancho. He comes home from work now and says things like, "I really like my job." I did not hear that when we lived in Oklahoma. He actually likes going to work and financially can provide more for our family now. Had we not become pregnant when we did, would he have a job that is excited to go to and comes home happy from? Would we be living in Rio Rancho so close to family that will get to love on our sweet baby? We will never know, but it certainly changes my perspective on my miscarriage. There is a reason for everything and a time for everything under the sun and while it still breaks my heart that I did not get to meet that sweet baby, I want to thank God for what he/she brought about.
As far as feeling unprepared, I still do, but God gave me some perspective on that yesterday as well. A year ago, I was not prepared for hearing the deafening silence that was the absence of my baby's heartbeat. A year ago, I was not prepared for the heartbreak that would last months and months. A year ago, I was not prepared to feel inadequate, broken, and ashamed; but, He brought me through it just like He will bring me through these last few weeks of feeling unprepared and uneasy about the changes I will go through.
My goal in the next few weeks is to enjoy this time I have left before Lillie comes into the world. I want to cherish every moment with Kyle. I want to cherish every move Lillie makes inside my tummy because I am most certain I will miss it. I want to be present in each day and be grateful for everything I have. I want to cling to this last month and while I don't think it will be the case, I will not mind if it feels like time slows down.
Xoxo,
Nicole
