Sometimes when I can't process things, I like to write. Writing is what helps me make sense of my feelings and emotions. Today is a very emotional day for me. I knew it was coming and I knew it would be difficult, but when I woke up and the tears fell, I wasn't prepared for just how difficult it would be or how confusing it would be.
One year ago today, we got some devastating news. We had woken up, got dressed in our gym clothes, and had rushed to the doctor's office for a routine prenatal appointment. I was so excited that day because A. Kyle was off for the morning and I would get to spend time with him and B. we were going to get to hear the baby's heartbeat again. We got to the doctor, were taken back to a room, and the nurse began to use the fetal doppler to take a listen to our sweet baby's heartbeat. When she couldn't find it, I began to be worried, but she assured us that sometimes it's tough to find it if the baby is moving around a lot and she thought she had heard movement. She went to get a bedside ultrasound machine to see if she could find it that way. When the image came up on the screen, Kyle said that the heart was not flickering like it was the first time we saw the baby. This was when we were both certain that our baby had gone to be with Jesus.
I remember everything about that day. The doctor came in to talk to us about our options and I was eerily calm. We decided on having a D&C procedure the following day because I didn't think I would be able to handle having to wait on he/she to come on their own. We left the doctor's office and I called my mom. I was crying when I told her that I miscarried and eventually I had Kyle take over and talk to her. She said she would pack up her stuff and be in Oklahoma by the end of the night. Kyle called into work and said he would not be able to be there that day.
I decided to blog one last time on a blog I had created for the baby and to process my feelings. At this point, I was strong. I was determined to not let it bring me down. I was sad, but in a state of denial about what my new reality really was. We went on a walk and I remember telling Kyle that everything happens for a reason and that I trusted God knew what he was doing. We went to lunch and we laughed about unrelated things. We went to Barnes and Noble, did a little shopping on some gift cards we had, and I spoke with a woman in billing about how much the surgery would cost and how much we would need to put down the next day. We had food delivered to us for dinner and the day was just like any other day. Serious state of denial.
The next day, I had the surgery, went home to have lunch, and then slept. That was when it all changed and the following days, weeks, and months were the hardest days, weeks, and months of my life. I really did believe that God had a plan, that there was a reason He took the baby, but with a miscarriage comes many thoughts of doubt and also thoughts about what you might have done wrong as a mother. It doesn't matter who says, "There's nothing you did wrong or could have done to avoid this; it's not your fault" or how they say it, those thoughts do not go away until you are ready for them to. It's something that you as a mother have to come to terms with on your own time and it took me a lot of time to be okay with myself and realize that I did everything right.
Today, a year since our last appointment for Baby Gray, I had what could be my last appointment with Lillie James. The most confusing part about today is that here I am waiting on Lillie James to arrive and also grieving the loss of my first baby. It's a very confusing thing to feel grief and anticipation at the same time. There are feelings of guilt that I should not be so sad about what I have lost when I am so close to gaining something so great. I am so excited to see what Lillie James looks like and becomes, but am also so sad about not getting to ever know Baby Gray or what he/she would have looked like or would have become. There is a sadness that I feel every once in a while, especially today, about not ever making it to the stage where he/she kicked and moved around. It's just a weird day and an emotional day, but I know that it is part of the plan.
Everyone keeps asking, "How are you feeling; are you so ready for her to be here?" and I think my answer often shocks people when I say, "I'm good and I'm okay with her taking her time." The doctor said, "I know it's a hard time when you are just eager for the baby to be here" and I told her, "actually, I'm good. I know she will come when she is ready to come." I am beyond excited to hold her, kiss her, love her, and see what her little face looks like but at the same time, just as every moment of her being outside of the womb is something I can't ever get back, so is this time of just me and her. I am embracing the time I get with just her when we are in a room full of people and I'm staring at my belly watching her move or when I can't sleep at night and I have my hand on my belly feeling her move around. She is always with me and I am always with her, but that won't be the case forever. So as long as she wants it to just be the two of us, that's what I want too. I think God knows how much I missed out on all those feelings with the first baby and that's part of why she is so content in there and I am so content out here.
I am so grateful that this pregnancy has been relatively easy and smooth. I am grateful that these last weeks when I could be so miserable, I am not. Jesus knows my needs, her needs, and He has taken those into account. I have to rest assured knowing that her brother or sister is smiling down on us and will watch over us. I have to remind myself that it's okay to be sad today. It's okay to grieve for what we lost. It's okay to miss my first baby even with this new blessing on the way.
Xoxo,
Nicole
