Trust. Firm belief in the RELIABILITY, TRUTH, ABILITY, or STRENGTH of someone or something. Trust is very difficult for me and I notice it when I come to a chapter in my life where I really, really have to trust God. I am a planner. I like to know what to expect. I like to control certain situations. This is why I make a giant packing list when I am going on a trip or why I made a list last night of everything I would need for a training this morning and marked it off twice as I made sure it was all there.
Currently, literally right now, I am struggling with trusting that God will give me a family. Before we starting trying to get pregnant I had a small part of me that said, "You know this might not happen as quickly as you'd like," and then after one month of trying we were pregnant. After finding out about the pregnancy there was that small part of me that said, "You know it's possible you'll miscarry," and I did. So now, there is a big part of me saying, "You know this isn't going to happen for you and even if it does, you'll miscarry again." My thoughts are as good an indicator as any that I am not trusting God like I should As much as I want to be positive and trust God, it's not the easiest thing for me. Kyle, he never waivers. He is steady. I admire him for that and it encourages me to be more like that.
In the last few weeks, I have felt more emotions regarding pregnancy. I had kind of been on the uphill climb toward being okay with my miscarriage, but I have had triggers lately that have had me reversing. I have only recently decided that it's okay for me to feel that way as long as I give it to Jesus and let him do a work in me.
I have triggers, many triggers, that make me very sad over losing the baby. In an effort to hopefully help someone else in the future, I wanted to write down these triggers so that you know a. somewhat what to expect and b. to let you know it's okay.
Emotional Triggers:
1. Walking by baby clothing in stores. It can be Target, Walgreens, Wal-Mart, or just the strip in Las Vegas; walking by any baby clothes makes me sad and it's extremely difficult to walk by and not want to be angry at anyone who gets to be happy in these places.
2. Seeing a pregnant girl. Before you worry that I hate you, I don't. It's just very, very hard for me to see your bump. I see you and can't help but wonder what I would look like, feel like, etc. And because I am weak, I also can't help but thinking, "Will that ever be me?" But just know, one of my very dear friends is pregnant and I am over the moon excited and so anxious to meet her little boy!
3. Seeing baby announcements on Facebook. When I see someone so excited to tell the world that they get to bring someone new into the world, my first reaction should also be excitement, but it's not. It takes a lot of strength for me to "like" this announcement. Trust me, I am happy for you, but it also stirs up all kinds of emotions for me.
4. Seeing gender announcements on Facebook. This might even be more difficult to see than just the initial baby announcement because it makes the baby a little more real when you can picture him/her and all the little cute his/her outfits they will wear. It takes even more strength for me to "like" this. But just know, it is a genuine like.
5. Being around babies. I used to LOVE being around babies. When I wasn't quite ready for a child of my own, being around babies was just the perfect dose to cure any baby fever that might arise. Now, being around babies just makes me wonder what my baby would have been like. Would he/she have been funny? Would they have been shy like I was? Would they have been chubby like Kyle? Would people say, "They look so much like you!" These are things I will never know and being around other babies makes me think all of these things and more.
6. Going anywhere that I had previously planned on being pregnant at. For example, Vegas. We planned that trip shortly before being pregnant and so for a good while, I thought I would be pregnant in Vegas and had no clue just how much being there would stir up some of those emotions again just at the reality that I was in fact not pregnant.
7. Seeing parents be hateful to their children. I was in a Hastings the other day and a mom, most likely at her wits end, was being so impatient and unkind to her little boy. This is one of the most difficult triggers because I want so desperately to be a mom so to see someone take that for granted just absolutely kills me.
8. Buying any kind of gift/card for someone's pregnancy or buying any kind of gift/card for someone's child. I immediately begin to wonder if I will ever have any of the milestones or if I will ever have a child of my own to buy cute things for or write cards to.
That being said, as uncertain as I am about the future, I do know God has a plan. I do know I need to trust Him. I am holding Kyle to his word when he says, "In one way or another we will have a family." And I am trying to soak up scriptures that speak life and truth. I am talking to Jesus constantly about my weaknesses, my worries, my fears, and I am trying to relinquish those to him. I need the FIRM BELIEF that my husband has and I know that is why I married him because he sharpens me and forces me to grow. His strengths are my weaknesses and I admire his firm belief that God will be RELIABLE, that He is ABLE, that He is STRONG, and that His word is TRUTH.
"Many put their hope in chariots, others in horses,
but we place our trust in the name of the Eternal One, our True God" - Psalm 20:7
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Braver, Stronger, Smarter
Baby Gray would have been 20 weeks today. It's been 6 weeks since
finding out that he/she became an angel. It's still very hard to cope
with the fact that my baby is gone. There are many days when I tell my
husband, "I'm still really sad we are not pregnant anymore." While it
has become easier, there are still certain triggers that make me really
sad. For example, walking by any baby section in any store or when a
kid in one of my classes says, "Do you have any kids?" I think it will
become easier with each passing day, but I also think it is something I
will carry with me forever.
Winnie the Pooh has always been a favorite of mine. His cuddly simple nature has always been so endearing and encouraging even in my adulthood. Winnie the Pooh was an option for a nursery for Baby Gray and is a piece of literature I have always planned on sharing with my kids. I was reading Winnie quotes today and came across this one. It is one I have heard a thousand times but today it struck a different chord and felt like Baby Gray was reading to me.
It says:
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”-A.A. Milne
I have to remember to be brave. Be brave and try again for Baby Gray Number Two. While I am excited for this, I often find myself fearing the worst outcome and I have to remember to be brave. I have so many angels watching over me and the journey ahead.
I have to be strong. Be strong if/when I am pregnant again. Strong to make the same good choices I made during my first pregnancy and strong to not give in to every worry or concern that may seem heightened having been through what I've been through. Strong enough to talk about my feelings and concerns with people that will lift me up.
I have to be smart. After the miscarriage, I was asking my husband all sorts of "What if's." "What if my bath was too hot?" "What if I ate something wrong?" "What if I wasn't careful enough with certain activities?" The list goes on and on. Finally, he said, "Don't be stupid. I've told you. The Dr. told you. Your friend told you. It was nothing you did. Genetically something was wrong and it just didn't work out. It does not do any good for you to keep thinking it was something you did." Yes, sounds harsh, but sometimes you need a good slap-in-the-face-get-out-of-your-mind-reminder to really get the point across. I am a smart girl and I need to remember that I did and will do just fine being pregnant.
I have to remember that even though some of our tomorrows will be apart, (there will be a tomorrow in Heaven), Baby Gray will always be with me. He/She is in my heart. My heart explodes thinking of just how precious it must be to be with Jesus.
Xoxo,
Nicole
Winnie the Pooh has always been a favorite of mine. His cuddly simple nature has always been so endearing and encouraging even in my adulthood. Winnie the Pooh was an option for a nursery for Baby Gray and is a piece of literature I have always planned on sharing with my kids. I was reading Winnie quotes today and came across this one. It is one I have heard a thousand times but today it struck a different chord and felt like Baby Gray was reading to me.
It says:
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”-A.A. Milne
I have to remember to be brave. Be brave and try again for Baby Gray Number Two. While I am excited for this, I often find myself fearing the worst outcome and I have to remember to be brave. I have so many angels watching over me and the journey ahead.
I have to be strong. Be strong if/when I am pregnant again. Strong to make the same good choices I made during my first pregnancy and strong to not give in to every worry or concern that may seem heightened having been through what I've been through. Strong enough to talk about my feelings and concerns with people that will lift me up.
I have to be smart. After the miscarriage, I was asking my husband all sorts of "What if's." "What if my bath was too hot?" "What if I ate something wrong?" "What if I wasn't careful enough with certain activities?" The list goes on and on. Finally, he said, "Don't be stupid. I've told you. The Dr. told you. Your friend told you. It was nothing you did. Genetically something was wrong and it just didn't work out. It does not do any good for you to keep thinking it was something you did." Yes, sounds harsh, but sometimes you need a good slap-in-the-face-get-out-of-your-mind-reminder to really get the point across. I am a smart girl and I need to remember that I did and will do just fine being pregnant.
I have to remember that even though some of our tomorrows will be apart, (there will be a tomorrow in Heaven), Baby Gray will always be with me. He/She is in my heart. My heart explodes thinking of just how precious it must be to be with Jesus.
Xoxo,
Nicole
Monday, April 27, 2015
My Truth
One of the biggest surprises to me when I had my miscarriage about 3 weeks ago is how many girls told me that they too had miscarried at least once before if not more. I realized that having a miscarriage is like joining this secret society that no one talks about. So many people either commented on my Facebook status or messaged me privately about how they had also miscarried before and at that point I wondered why no one really talks about it.
One of the most helpful things for me these last three weeks has been talking to a friend who had confided in me almost a year ago when she had a miscarriage. She said something that really hit home when she told me, "This is not to be rude but unless you've had a miscarriage before, you don't truly understand how it feels." I was so glad that she had told me that she miscarried because it was such a blessing to be able to not feel crazy about the feelings I was having directly after finding out. Telling someone else, even if they are close to me, just didn't really help as much as it did to tell someone who has been there themselves.
She understood the sadness, anger, emptiness, devastation, despair, and loneliness that I was feeling. My husband was and has been AMAZING, but the father who loses a baby due to a miscarriage just doesn't quite understand what the mother is going through because the baby is not a part of him in the same way that it is a part of the mother. There is a bond and a connection that begins the second you find out you are carrying this life inside of you.
I think it is important to get your feelings out with anything you are going through. Whether it is talking about it with someone or just writing it down; it's important to not let it well up inside of you. For me, writing has been a great release and when I am feeling sad or angry about the loss I've experienced, I write down everything I am feeling in a journal.
Since finding out about my miscarriage, I have gone to the internet numerous times in search of shared experiences that might give me some hope or solace which brings me to this blog. I believe it is important for me to share my truth with the hopes that when some other girl finds out their baby has gone to a better place, they can find some validation for every feeling that they might experience. I have experienced denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and I am still working on acceptance.
It still feels like it was just yesterday that I found out my sweet baby was not going to ever be a part of my world which tells me I am not yet where I need to be before I can fully accept that he/she is gone. What I feel like most is that I have found enough things to occupy my time and fill my thoughts so I can avoid what I am really feeling which is sadness and anger. I'm stuck more on the anger side of this struggle.
I often feel more pressure to be okay with it all because there is an expectation that because I am a Christian I must clothe myself with this robe of strength because I have a hope and an understanding that someone else in my position might not. The expectation is true, I do have that hope and understanding. I know He makes everything work according to His timing and His plan. I know almost ans instinctively as I know how to breathe that I must cling to this truth -- but that does not make it easy to accept nor does it make it any easier to walk by racks full of baby clothes that I had begun to get excited about buying once we found out the gender.
This experience, like many in my life, is one that I do not know how someone would get through without Jesus but that does not mean that because I do have Jesus I will magically bounce back. It will take time and I know that.
Being pregnant is the most life altering experience. The minute you read that "+" on the test strip, you cannot think about anything else but being pregnant. Everything you do, you wonder if it will have a positive or negative impact on this life you've been blessed with caring for. Everything from what you eat or drink to how hot you make your bath water is something you mull over before you decide what to do. These decisions that previously would have never been difficult are now decisions you are making for someone else.
Everything comes back to being pregnant. If you are walking you think, "How long can I walk and still see my toes?" If you want to paint your nails you think, "Is fingernail polish harmful?" If you are getting dressed in the morning you wonder when you will have to finally break down and buy new pants to fit in. Everything in your day revolves around this little life inside of you.
Having a miscarriage changes that in a very sudden and drastic way. One minute every thought and decision is about this baby and then BOOM! it's gone and you are left feeling more empty than you could ever imagine. There were days right after finding out about my miscarriage that I would forget that I was not pregnant anymore. It's like having a dream and then realizing late in the afternoon that it was all a dream and that it never happened.
The day of my surgery I was watching a movie with my husband, Horrible Bosses 2 of all movies, and a character in the movie has triplets. In one scene, the babies are all in infant seats that bounce and sway and I opened my mouth to tell Kyle, "We need to register for one of those for the baby" and it hit me suddenly that my baby was gone. It was like having to relive that moment in the doctors' office. Immediately, I began to cry over this loss of not only the life inside of me but the life I was planning for us as a family. This happened a lot over the days following my D&C.
As I said before, I have been through many stages during this process and one of those was bargaining. There were a lot of conversations that I had with myself in my mind and some that I had with Kyle about the what if's. What if I had gone to the doctor when I was having extreme back pain? What if my bath water was too hot? What if I had a cheese that wasn't on the list of approved cheeses? What if I had walked every day? The amount of what if's was exhausting and overwhelming and I Googled way too many things. This was the toughest stage of the miscarriage because you are left feeling inadequate and like a failure. It's important, like many told me, to not blame yourself.
Being pregnant, knowingly for 8 weeks, I had become very used to this new me and it had become very much who I was. To have it ripped away was devastating. I miss being pregnant and I miss the life I was planning. The truth is, I felt like I was who I have always wanted to be when I was pregnant. Almost as if I was an actor who'd dreamed of Broadway their whole life and I finally got to step out on that stage for the first time. Being a mom has been what I have wanted for as long as I can remember and it's the only thing that I have ever really thought I would do really well.
I am mediocre at best with everything I have attempted to be in life: singer, dancer, employee, student, daughter, sister, wife, friend, writer, nanny, artist, dresser, cook, baker, etc. You name it -- I'm been average at it. Being a mother is just something I've always thought I would nail. I truly believe it is my calling. So back to the analogy of a Broadway actor--I'm waiting on my big break. And, that is my truth.
Xoxo,
Nicole
One of the most helpful things for me these last three weeks has been talking to a friend who had confided in me almost a year ago when she had a miscarriage. She said something that really hit home when she told me, "This is not to be rude but unless you've had a miscarriage before, you don't truly understand how it feels." I was so glad that she had told me that she miscarried because it was such a blessing to be able to not feel crazy about the feelings I was having directly after finding out. Telling someone else, even if they are close to me, just didn't really help as much as it did to tell someone who has been there themselves.
She understood the sadness, anger, emptiness, devastation, despair, and loneliness that I was feeling. My husband was and has been AMAZING, but the father who loses a baby due to a miscarriage just doesn't quite understand what the mother is going through because the baby is not a part of him in the same way that it is a part of the mother. There is a bond and a connection that begins the second you find out you are carrying this life inside of you.
I think it is important to get your feelings out with anything you are going through. Whether it is talking about it with someone or just writing it down; it's important to not let it well up inside of you. For me, writing has been a great release and when I am feeling sad or angry about the loss I've experienced, I write down everything I am feeling in a journal.
Since finding out about my miscarriage, I have gone to the internet numerous times in search of shared experiences that might give me some hope or solace which brings me to this blog. I believe it is important for me to share my truth with the hopes that when some other girl finds out their baby has gone to a better place, they can find some validation for every feeling that they might experience. I have experienced denial, anger, sadness, bargaining, and I am still working on acceptance.
It still feels like it was just yesterday that I found out my sweet baby was not going to ever be a part of my world which tells me I am not yet where I need to be before I can fully accept that he/she is gone. What I feel like most is that I have found enough things to occupy my time and fill my thoughts so I can avoid what I am really feeling which is sadness and anger. I'm stuck more on the anger side of this struggle.
I often feel more pressure to be okay with it all because there is an expectation that because I am a Christian I must clothe myself with this robe of strength because I have a hope and an understanding that someone else in my position might not. The expectation is true, I do have that hope and understanding. I know He makes everything work according to His timing and His plan. I know almost ans instinctively as I know how to breathe that I must cling to this truth -- but that does not make it easy to accept nor does it make it any easier to walk by racks full of baby clothes that I had begun to get excited about buying once we found out the gender.
This experience, like many in my life, is one that I do not know how someone would get through without Jesus but that does not mean that because I do have Jesus I will magically bounce back. It will take time and I know that.
Being pregnant is the most life altering experience. The minute you read that "+" on the test strip, you cannot think about anything else but being pregnant. Everything you do, you wonder if it will have a positive or negative impact on this life you've been blessed with caring for. Everything from what you eat or drink to how hot you make your bath water is something you mull over before you decide what to do. These decisions that previously would have never been difficult are now decisions you are making for someone else.
Everything comes back to being pregnant. If you are walking you think, "How long can I walk and still see my toes?" If you want to paint your nails you think, "Is fingernail polish harmful?" If you are getting dressed in the morning you wonder when you will have to finally break down and buy new pants to fit in. Everything in your day revolves around this little life inside of you.
Having a miscarriage changes that in a very sudden and drastic way. One minute every thought and decision is about this baby and then BOOM! it's gone and you are left feeling more empty than you could ever imagine. There were days right after finding out about my miscarriage that I would forget that I was not pregnant anymore. It's like having a dream and then realizing late in the afternoon that it was all a dream and that it never happened.
The day of my surgery I was watching a movie with my husband, Horrible Bosses 2 of all movies, and a character in the movie has triplets. In one scene, the babies are all in infant seats that bounce and sway and I opened my mouth to tell Kyle, "We need to register for one of those for the baby" and it hit me suddenly that my baby was gone. It was like having to relive that moment in the doctors' office. Immediately, I began to cry over this loss of not only the life inside of me but the life I was planning for us as a family. This happened a lot over the days following my D&C.
As I said before, I have been through many stages during this process and one of those was bargaining. There were a lot of conversations that I had with myself in my mind and some that I had with Kyle about the what if's. What if I had gone to the doctor when I was having extreme back pain? What if my bath water was too hot? What if I had a cheese that wasn't on the list of approved cheeses? What if I had walked every day? The amount of what if's was exhausting and overwhelming and I Googled way too many things. This was the toughest stage of the miscarriage because you are left feeling inadequate and like a failure. It's important, like many told me, to not blame yourself.
Being pregnant, knowingly for 8 weeks, I had become very used to this new me and it had become very much who I was. To have it ripped away was devastating. I miss being pregnant and I miss the life I was planning. The truth is, I felt like I was who I have always wanted to be when I was pregnant. Almost as if I was an actor who'd dreamed of Broadway their whole life and I finally got to step out on that stage for the first time. Being a mom has been what I have wanted for as long as I can remember and it's the only thing that I have ever really thought I would do really well.
I am mediocre at best with everything I have attempted to be in life: singer, dancer, employee, student, daughter, sister, wife, friend, writer, nanny, artist, dresser, cook, baker, etc. You name it -- I'm been average at it. Being a mother is just something I've always thought I would nail. I truly believe it is my calling. So back to the analogy of a Broadway actor--I'm waiting on my big break. And, that is my truth.
Xoxo,
Nicole
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Don't Cry, Hold Your Head Up High
My grandma passed away three months ago today and lately it seems that my grief has resurfaced. There's probably a reason that these feelings have sprung up and that my heart has been aching for her in my life. I find myself thinking of her: how I wish I could call her, hug her, listen to her talk, laugh at her, and hold her hand in mine and it leaves me crying for what I've lost.
A week ago or so my husband showed me a song called Above the Clouds of Pompeii by Bear's Den. He thought it was a good song but had no idea how much it would move me. I began listening to it on a day that I was missing my grandma quite a bit and so many words in the song reminded me of her.
"How she haunted our home."
She always talked about ghosts that she saw in her house and when we moved her into my parents home she spoke of them there as well. We joked that she brought them with her.
"Don't you know I miss her too. I miss her just as much as you."
This made me think of how often my brother and I will exchange sentiments about our Grandma and how much we miss her.
"I was too young to understand the flowers sleeping in her hand."
This made me think of her funeral and while I am clearly old enough to understand death, it still never gets easier. It will never be easy to live in a world without my Grandma.
All of these things reminded me of her and made me sad, but then the chorus offered some hope. It says,
"Don't cry, hold your head up high. She would want you to. She would want you to. Please, don't cry, hold your head up high. She would want you to. She would want you to."
Grandma's are special because for whatever reason it seems as though their love is the most unconditional of all family members. Yes, your parents love you and love you no matter what, but at least for me (my brother and cousins, also) we were perfect in her eyes. We could do no wrong. She was proud of us for everything and craved to be in our company. There is something about a Grandma's love that is just so overwhelmingly pure and unique.
Even though she drove me absolutely crazy at times because of her constant worrying about absolutely everything, I always felt at peace when I was around her. There is something so safe about being with your Grandma. She was so beautifully simple, yet the most amazing woman I knew. Born in the dirt of New Mexico, she was strong and independent.
I know she would not want me to cry too much for her and that she would want me to hold my head up high. I will never forget the last words she said. It overwhelms me just how much Jesus has his hand in every aspect of my life. She told me, "It's alright." Up until her death, she comforted me.
I still ache for her so much and have so much that I wish I could share with her, but I know that she would want me to be happy because that's all she ever wanted when she was here.
xoxo,
Nicole
A week ago or so my husband showed me a song called Above the Clouds of Pompeii by Bear's Den. He thought it was a good song but had no idea how much it would move me. I began listening to it on a day that I was missing my grandma quite a bit and so many words in the song reminded me of her.
"How she haunted our home."
She always talked about ghosts that she saw in her house and when we moved her into my parents home she spoke of them there as well. We joked that she brought them with her.
"Don't you know I miss her too. I miss her just as much as you."
This made me think of how often my brother and I will exchange sentiments about our Grandma and how much we miss her.
"I was too young to understand the flowers sleeping in her hand."
This made me think of her funeral and while I am clearly old enough to understand death, it still never gets easier. It will never be easy to live in a world without my Grandma.
All of these things reminded me of her and made me sad, but then the chorus offered some hope. It says,
"Don't cry, hold your head up high. She would want you to. She would want you to. Please, don't cry, hold your head up high. She would want you to. She would want you to."
Grandma's are special because for whatever reason it seems as though their love is the most unconditional of all family members. Yes, your parents love you and love you no matter what, but at least for me (my brother and cousins, also) we were perfect in her eyes. We could do no wrong. She was proud of us for everything and craved to be in our company. There is something about a Grandma's love that is just so overwhelmingly pure and unique.
Even though she drove me absolutely crazy at times because of her constant worrying about absolutely everything, I always felt at peace when I was around her. There is something so safe about being with your Grandma. She was so beautifully simple, yet the most amazing woman I knew. Born in the dirt of New Mexico, she was strong and independent.
I know she would not want me to cry too much for her and that she would want me to hold my head up high. I will never forget the last words she said. It overwhelms me just how much Jesus has his hand in every aspect of my life. She told me, "It's alright." Up until her death, she comforted me.
I still ache for her so much and have so much that I wish I could share with her, but I know that she would want me to be happy because that's all she ever wanted when she was here.
xoxo,
Nicole
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)