Don't Cry, Hold Your Head Up High

My grandma passed away three months ago today and lately it seems that my grief has resurfaced.  There's probably a reason that these feelings have sprung up and that my heart has been aching for her in my life.  I find myself thinking of her:  how I wish I could call her, hug her, listen to her talk, laugh at her, and hold her hand in mine and it leaves me crying for what I've lost. 

A week ago or so my husband showed me a song called Above the Clouds of Pompeii by Bear's Den.  He thought it was a good song but had no idea how much it would move me.  I began listening to it on a day that I was missing my grandma quite a bit and so many words in the song reminded me of her.

"How she haunted our home."
She always talked about ghosts that she saw in her house and when we moved her into my parents home she spoke of them there as well.  We joked that she brought them with her. 

"Don't you know I miss her too.  I miss her just as much as you."
This made me think of how often my brother and I will exchange sentiments about our Grandma and how much we miss her.

"I was too young to understand the flowers sleeping in her hand."
This made me think of her funeral and while I am clearly old enough to understand death, it still never gets easier.  It will never be easy to live in a world without my Grandma.

All of these things reminded me of her and made me sad, but then the chorus offered some hope.  It says,

"Don't cry, hold your head up high.  She would want you to.  She would want you to.  Please, don't cry, hold your head up high.  She would want you to.  She would want you to."

Grandma's are special because for whatever reason it seems as though their love is the most unconditional of all family members.  Yes, your parents love you and love you no matter what, but at least for me (my brother and cousins, also) we were perfect in her eyes.  We could do no wrong.  She was proud of us for everything and craved to be in our company.  There is something about a Grandma's love that is just so overwhelmingly pure and unique. 

Even though she drove me absolutely crazy at times because of her constant worrying about absolutely everything, I always felt at peace when I was around her.  There is something so safe about being with your Grandma.  She was so beautifully simple, yet the most amazing woman I knew.  Born in the dirt of New Mexico, she was strong and independent. 

I know she would not want me to cry too much for her and that she would want me to hold my head up high.  I will never forget the last words she said.  It overwhelms me just how much Jesus has his hand in every aspect of my life.  She told me, "It's alright."  Up until her death, she comforted me. 

I still ache for her so much and have so much that I wish I could share with her, but I know that she would want me to be happy because that's all she ever wanted when she was here. 

xoxo,

Nicole