Fairytale

Sometimes I wonder if Cinderella ruined my life. Obviously, Cinderella is fictional, but the idea of Cinderella was so very real to me. The idea that you go could from a nothing and a nobody to a princess married to a handsome prince. Now, don't get me wrong, I have found my charming handsome prince, but life is never the fairytale you imagine when you are young and dreaming of a castle and pumpkins that turn into carriages.

I am finding myself liking the fact that life is not a fairytale, but that I am going to struggle to make a life for myself and for my family. What an accomplishment to not have everything handed to you on a silver platter. There is still that little girl in me that dreams of her wedding day, the dress she'll wear, the ring that he will propose with, and the farewell from friends and family as she drives away into the sunset. But then, there is the grown up in me that realizes life is more than that one day. I would much rather have an awful wedding day, where everything that could possibly go wrong does indeed go wrong, than have a miserable marriage.

I guess Cinderella didn't ruin my life, but somebody has altered marriage into a wedding day and I hope that it doesn't stay that way forever.

Not What I Expected

Albuquerque is not what I expected.
I am lonely here, and it really makes me mad more than anything.

I am glad I am here, but at the same time, I am so frustrated.

It really is the pits not having anyone around to vent to when I need it.
I can't really talk to Kyle because he thinks I am dramatic and I can't really talk to my mom because she worries, and talking to my friends is hard because our schedules clash so much.

So, blog, you might have been promoted to my new best friend.

You Have Stolen My Heart

I have already become behind on this new blog. Last week my internet went out at the worst possible time, but everything happens for a reason, right? Yes, it does. Had my internet not went out I would not have discovered the reason for such a slow connection: the modem. The modem was broken the whole time. It also reminded me of how much I have and how sometimes I become dependent upon things that might not be there.

The reality is, even those who might be the closest thing to always being there, cannot possibly always be there. There is only one who is always there. Last night I went to see The Blind Side. It is a very good movie, and it broke my heart.

The truth is, the way other people live is beyond something I am able to perceive or understand. You know when a movie moves you when you are sitting at home an hour after and break down and cry. My heart broke for kids who are born into a world of drugs, alcohol, violence, sexual assault, murder, etc. What choice did these kids have? This movie motivated me to not live beyond my means and to give money that is not a necessity to me, but rather an accessory, and give it to those who need it.

There is a song by Dashboard Confessional that says, "You have stolen my heart" and usually I relate this song to my boyfriend, but thinking about it last night made me think of the kids that grow up in the projects who have stolen my heart. I want to be successful enough to where I can do something for people, to be able to give to those kids who didn't have a choice. I want to be able to provide a choice for them.

Often I dream of being a celebrity, not for the fame and recognition, but for the power to change that is just part of the glamour. Your name gives you the ability to make changes that require status or money. I want the money so I can give it away. It would be amazing to be a celebrity and still live the way I live, that way I could give kids a choice.

Without money, I can't do anything for the children physically, but what I do have is something more valuable than all the money in all the world: Jesus.

Today, I commit myself to praying for those who are less fortunate, for those who have no choice, for those who have no way of getting out.

For the child that was born into a world full of gray, there is color out there, just keep the faith.

Holidays

With Thanksgiving just around the corner, I find myself missing my Granddad and my Granny quite a bit. They both had some very memorable moments at Thanksgiving that are hard to forget.

My Grandad, bless his little heart, was up in years because he was actually my Great-Granddad, and every year we would ask him to pray over the meal. He would get started and often forget that he was praying and would get sidetracked just rambling on. This was always very humorous to our family, and often it was hard not to laugh while he was saying his prayer. He was such a precious man.

My Granny was really weird about the dressing. She, my mom, and my Aunt Caryn always disagreed on how much of everything to put in the dressing. It was really weird the first Thanksgiving after she passed away to watch my mom and Aunt Caryn make the dressing without my granny. She always brought the cornbread and the biscuits for us to squish with our hands.

There was one Thanksgiving and my Granny came in my front door. I was sitting in my living room and she started giggling, she had a great laugh. I asked her what was funny and she told me how she walked into my neighbors' house next door, into the kitchen, and said, "Yall started without me?" The funniest part is that my neighbors were hispanic and their daughter was married to a really tall black guy, so they didn't look like my family at all. They said, "I think you want next door."

She told me not to tell anybody but I thought that it would be a pretty funny story later. So when my Aunt and Uncle came in and announced that they too had gone to the house next door, I just had to tell. I told them how Granny did it too, and we all died laughing. She looked at me, smiling, and said, "Coleigh!" I loved to hear her laugh.

They were some pretty special people.

A Dream is A Wish

About two weeks ago I decided to give up drinking vanilla diet cokes from Sonic and decided to instead, give the money I would be spending there to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I went on the website and found a little boy that I would like to make my donation in honor of. His name is Grayson and he has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This occurs when parts of the left side of the heart (mitral valve, left ventricle aortic valve, and aorta) do not develop completely. Grayson had his first heart surgery when he was only 11 days old.

Reading Grayson's wish story allowed me to see beyond myself. This little boy who has had multiple surgeries throughout the mere four years he has been alive just wanted to go to Sanibel Island, Florida. He finally was at a place in his health where he could travel and his wish was granted. While little Grayson wishes to go to Sanibel Island, not complaining about his life, I sit and feel sorry for myself because I can't have certain things in my life right now.

The sweetest part of his story is that when he heard his wish was granted, he looked at his older siblings and said, "“I'm takin' you to Sanibel!” So, Grayson, I have saved up $16.16 so far in honor of you, kiddo.

Thanks for making me realize I have more than I could ever need.

Sanibel Island, Florida

To read Grayson's story go to:

http://www.wish.org/stories/adventure/domestic_travel/grayson_florida

For other inspiring stories visit:

http://www.wish.org/stories

A New Beginning

After stumbling across a blog of a girl I used to know, I decided I wanted to create one. I used to blog all the time on Myspace, but I rarely get on that anymore. Blogging used to be my outlet, my way to let things out, to vent, and to express myself. So I am excited to start this new blog. It will be a welcomed addition to my days here in Albuquerque.

This is my first semester at a new university. I am at the University of New Mexico in Albuquerque, NM. When I first moved up here people asked me, "how do you like it?" to which I replied with a simple shrug of the shoulders. There is a heavy bittersweet feeling to be here in this new place. There are a lot of frustrations that people might overlook or simply not understand.

I was very comfortable at Northwest. I had a group of friends I could go to for help, I knew the ins and outs of the school, and I had a rather nice support system. I also had been there three years and only had three semesters left as of May 2009. But, I know that I am supposed to be here now, it's just a little difficult sometimes.

I have been very lonesome this past week, longing for familiar faces, people I could just get with and not have the awkward spaces of silence, and the getting to know you small talk. I have not really made any friends at UNM, merely classmates. I have a couple of people in classes that I talk to and I am getting to know, but for some reason I am past that point in my life where I want to get to know people.

Now, if you asked me, "How do you like UNM?" I would simply say, "I love the school and I love Albuquerque." I don't miss Northwest, as a school, because after going to UNM, I see that my time here will be well spent. I feel that the academic level at UNM is higher, and that I am pushed. At Northwest, I had become complacent. It was easy to do my best and to achieve the best, but I needed something new.

Lately, I have become frustrated though and feel as though I am trapped in a world of academia. I think to myself, "May of 2011, that's a long time." And it really is a long time. The first few months of school just flew by and I think that is due to some many new things coming all at once. But right now I feel somewhat stagnant. I find myself wanting to just sleep until Thanksgiving.

I am learning a lot about myself living alone. I always thought I would love living alone, and I do at times, but there are moments when I wish I would unlock my door and walk in my apartment to see a familiar face. It makes me really long for the future and being able to share a place with someone I love, to go to sleep knowing I am not alone, and to wake up elated because they are still there.

Kyle and I do fine being away from each other, but it is definitely hard. I understand why people say long distance never works. To those people I say, "you just didn't want it bad enough." I am growing up a lot by being away from him. It's making me realize that it is up to me, and that I have to do things on my own during this chapter in my life. I am really excited for what is to come, but I am trying my best to live in the moment.

I am a little overwhelmed with school and have found myself becoming stressed over the last week. I need to be productive and read two books before December. I know I can do that, I just don't find them interesting, which is what makes it difficult to find that motivation to learn. I have a test in environmental science on Wednesday and I am rather nervous about it. I have brought my grade up to a 94 and I am worried that my test score might bring it down again. I did do the extra credit assignment a while back to try and combat bad scores.

I look forward to Thanksgiving, but as always there will be school stuff in the back of my mind. I am so ready to be done with school, and to have a classroom, where I won't be graded per se, but will have the reigns. I look forward to Christmas, even though I like Thanksgiving better, because I will have closed the book on this semester, and will only have a new semester to look forward to.

I must now be productive and do something with my day.

"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Mother Teresa