That Girl/This Girl

I watched a couple home videos when I was home this weekend.  In them my age ranged from 7-9 and watching myself brought back feelings I had from about that age range to 15 years old.  Watching them made me realize that I no matter how old I may be, I will always have this little insecure girl with me.

For some reason, she surfaces after looking at pictures other people take of me.  That little girl who so desires to look a certain way reappears and makes me feel less than I know I truly am.  She says to me, "you have always been this way and you always will be."

Well, I say to her, "our 22nd year will be the year."

That girl is my current motivation to quit saying I wish this and I wish that, and start saying, "I will do this and I will do that."


I want this for me . . . and for that little girl that never did quite fit in.

22

I am 22.
I want to have a good year.
I want to be a better person.
I also want to be in a place where I feel secure.
Secure in many things, but mainly one.
And I hate that I'm not.

Patience

An incident occurred in class today that got me thinking.  

I guess it really more than anything made me want to be a teacher.

Hearing, "I just have no patience for that girl," made me remember why I want to be a teacher.

While the ultimate goal is to make sure my students are successful and reach their potential, it is also to provide a safe place for kids who come to school and see it as an escape.

It just donned on me today that I have absolutely no idea what these kids go through at home, and while I would love to believe they have a safe place to lay their head at night, I know that this is most likely not true for every student.

I just can't seem to get the little girl that is not shown grace, patience, kindness, and love at school out of my mind.

I hope she is safe and sound, dreaming pleasant dreams.

I just can't seem to shake the idea that she has had something tragic happen to her.

I hope I don't ever say, "I just don't have any patience for that girl (or boy)."  

Patience is most definitely something that can easily be found . . . if and when we look in the right direction:  Jesus.

Jesus,

Give me patience in the present and the future.  Help me to be a light and a beacon of hope to little boys and girls that live in a world of darkness.

I feel like that little girl told me something for a reason.  

Mr. Fix It

Where is my Mr. Fix It?
I am insecure today and I want someone to fix it, but I know only I can do that.
I don't really know why I am either.

I think it's a amalgamation (new word) of things:

My bangs (pretty much decided that I don't like them--can't wait until they grow out.)
My skin (for some reason I keep breaking out in the same place on my face.)
My arms (I have a weird rash on my arms and it makes me feel dirty.)


In other news, I have given up Diet Cokes.
Kyle has been reading up on them and has told me a lot about the bad things.
i.e. Tells your brain you aren't full, hinders weight loss, etc.
I thought, okay I will just drink tea, but I don't know what to trust with artificial sweeteners, so it's water for me.

It has already made a difference.  Due to not drinking coke, I have almost had five water bottles today, which is my recommended water consumption.

I am excited because I found one of those indestructible metal water bottles and for only $4.99.  All the ones I have seen have been like $20.00 and that's just ridic.

I am back on NutriSystems tomorrow and I am excited about that too.
I just really want to get to a place where I feel confident and good about myself.
I also wish I had a trainer to tone me up.

I need to stick to all of these things I say.
I think I need to start making lists again like sophomore year, I was so disciplined, and I loved it.

Night night!

Meet Me in St. Louis

After waking up at four a.m. I arrived home from St. Louis last night at 8:40 . . . p.m.

I will get the disaster that was yesterday out of the way.

So we woke up at 4 a.m. got ready, left the hotel, and drove from Chesterfield, MO to Dollar Rent-a-Car in St. Ann, MO.

We pull up at Dollar and see that it is closed . . . I had a feeling it would not be open until 6:00.  It was 5:15.

Our flight was at 7.  I was not really worried, because even if it didn't open until 6:00, we were so close to the airport and would be in and at our gate in time.

Eventually a man in a black truck pulled up next to us in front of the gate.   Bill rolled down the window of our Kia Sedona rental and the friendly man said, "Park the car across the street, no one will be here til 6:00.  

I believe he was the same man who told us to be at the Dollar Rental Car at 6:00 to catch our 7:00 a.m. flight.

We parked the car across the street, dropped the keys in a box with Dollar Rental Car Key Return written on it and braved the cold across the parking lot.  We came up to a covering that said "5C".  There was a button next to the word "shuttle" and so I pushed it.  A woman said, "Hello," and we said, "we are at 5C."  Within minutes a shuttle picked us up and we were on our way.  We arrived at the airport about 5:50 a.m., got our boarding passes, checked our luggage, and were in line for security at about 6:00 a.m.  So we shuffled along through the ropes of the security line, were halfway to the TSA identification checkers and a woman in front of me starts waving to people nearing the security line.  They enter the ropes and then are on the opposite side of us and the woman says, "Can they jump the line--they're with me?"  Well, I just stayed silent until Kyle said, "sure."  I wasn't going to be the one to say no, but I intended on it.  I just thought to myself, "Okay, one person going back in line to be with their party, or four people jumping the line to be with their party; which is most considerate?"  They clearly did not do what I would have done.  Not to mention, when they got to the front of the line, there were two TSA agents checking boarding passes and id's and they just stood there not paying attention until Kyle's move finally said, "Excuse me, that guy is open . . . lady, move."  I think they got the clue.

So, we move through security, walk to the gate, I grabbed a People, some Cheez-its, and a Sprite (upset stomach the night before), and we waited to board the plane.  The first leg was perfect.  I read some of Dear John and slept a little bit on Kyle's shoulder.  But it was when we landed in Texas that my day began to look grim.  We get in line as they are about to board our flight from Dallas, TX to Lubbock, TX when the lady says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane going to Lubbock before this flight has not been able to land due to weather so we are going to wait to board this plane until we hear back on the conditions there."  Well, we wait a bit, it doesn't seem to look better, and the lady says, "Flight 1556 to Lubbock is indefinitely delayed."  So we get in line, cancel our tickets, and head downstairs to rent a car and get our bags.  

This seemed like the best decision, and at the time it probably was because we had no idea if the flight would still go our would be cancelled, the other flights later that day and the next day were cancelled, and there were four of us, which was going to be difficult for stand-by.  We got the bags, the car, (about an hour later), and headed for Lubbock in a Ford Explorer from National.  Well, we arrive in Lubbock at about 4:30 Texas time, they wanted to take me to Olive Garden for my birthday, so we ate, and as we were leaving the Olive Garden a women's team from OSU that was on our flight to Lubbock walked in the doors.  They asked them if the flight ended up leaving (which I didn't not want to know) and they said it left at 12:30, which means they landed three hours before us.  I was crushed.  I really wanted to get home and see my family.  So not only did the flight leave, and get there before us, we stopped at Olive Garden so I didn't get home until 8:40 to find my parents with friends.  I got in bed at 9:45, and was out by 10:00.  Yesterday, was one of the most tiring and frustrating days, but the days before were wonderful.

Wednesday, we left town at about 11:30, got to Lubbock, parked the car, got our boarding passes, went through security, and were on a plane to Dallas.   Kyle and I did the Spirit Magazine crossword puzzle, which I love to do with him, and were finished about the time we landed in Dallas.   We arrived and had a two-hour layover so we went to Chili's in the airport there and had dinner.  We got on the plane to St. Louis, Kyle and I watched Ace Ventura:  Pet Detective.  It was my first time and as much as I wanted to laugh hard, I knew I had headphones in and wouldn't be able to maintain a quiet laughter on the plane, so I merely chuckled to myself.  We got about 3/4's of the way through when the captain turned back on the fasten seatbelt sign, and asked that all seats and tray tables be back in their full and upright positions.  We landed in St. Louis, got our bags, then hopped on a shuttle to the Dollar Rental Car in St. Ann, MO.  We got our Kia Sedona, typed in the Drury Plaza Hotel in Chesterfield, MO into the Garmin, and headed that way.  We got there and I was so surprised at how nice of a place it was, because Kyle's school put us up for free one night, and gave us their corporate rate the other nights.  We got there, I showered, and I got into bed excited to see Kyle's school the next day.

We woke up, got ready and left the hotel at about 10:15.  Kyle's interview and tour was at 11:00 so we were all a little antsy just waiting around to go.  His school was about 5 minutes away from the hotel.  We got there and I was so shocked at how nice it was.  He looked handsome in his khaki's and white button down shirt.  We waited in the lobby for about 15 minutes and then a guy named Aaron came down, met us, and introduced us to two other potential Logan students and adults with them, and we head off for our tour.  We started in the library, which is beautiful because the school used to be a seminary so there were gorgeous stained-glass windows with Latin sayings written on them.  We went to one of the study rooms, and it was FULL of replicas of every imaginable part of the human anatomy.  Cindy's phone went off, and that was funny because I could just see embarrassment all over Kyle's face.  We left the study room and he said, "Way to go, Mom, now I won't get into Logan."  We had a good laugh.  We continued the tour, saw the nice break rooms, a classroom, a lab, a couple of cadavers, and the auditorium where he will be graduating in.  It is a really nice school, and I am excited for him to go there.  

After the tour we met with an admissions girl about the course load and things like that.  It's ten trimesters with two weeks  between each trimester and the first four trimesters are said to be the most difficult and no different than med school.  I got overwhelmed just looking at the curriculum but I know Kyle can handle it.  They have a new program that you can get alone or along with the D.C. (Doctor of Chiropractic) and it's a M.S. in Sports Science and Rehabilitation.  He would not start that until the 5^th trimester, if he decides to do so. I think he should do it because it would give him something more and it's not that much more money.  After the admissions lady, we met with the Financial Aid lady, she was not very friendly, but whatever.  We were finally through, so we went to the bookstore to buy a T-shirt.  Bill bought me one for my birthday.  I am so excited for that by the way.  

Then, the moment three of us had been waiting for . . . CHIPOTLE!  There was one about three miles away so we headed there immediately after finishing at the school.  It was so good.  Just like I remembered.  : )  Then we left from there to the trailer park that Kyle will be living in while going to school (and maybe me one day).  We met with the landlord, Jackie, who is the sweetest woman, and she gave us the keys to about four places and gave us the names of three others.  The first one we went to was so sad, and Kyle's mom said it made her want to "slit her wrists."  I could not imagine Kyle living there and it made me sad too.  But we moved on, saw another one, which was not that much better, then knocked on the door of one we saw pictures of, but no one was there.  So we moved on to the next one, and knocked, but no one was there either.  But we called her (Tori) and she said she could meet later that day to show us the place.  So we moved up the street to 915 Doresay, and looked at that one.  It had a musty smell, was painted the worst colors, and had the ugliest bathroom floor (dark green, with black and gold linoleum).  We left and were going to come back and look at Tori's at 7:30 p.m.  We went to the mall, which is like less than a mile away from the trailer park, looked around there, and then got a call from Tori that she could show it to us earlier.  So we left there, headed to Tori's, took a look around, meanwhile getting a call from the other one, Meggan, that she could show us her trailer the next morning.  We told Tori that we would think about it but we had one more to look at tomorrow.  We left there, went back to the motel, and had free food and drinks for happy hour.  Kyle and his parents were stoked because every night at the Drury you get three free cocktails.  I was excited because I got a free diet coke.  They also have chicken strips, baked potatoes, nachos, snack mixes, and popcorn . . . all free.  We went upstairs, they went down to the pool while I showered and got ready for the next day.  Kyle and I watched some March Madness and then went to bed.

The next day, we went back to the trailer park and we looked at Meggan's, hers was bigger by two feet, which made more of a difference than I thought it would, and then looked at 915 Doresay again once more just to remind ourselves of it.  Meggan's was nice,   915 Doresay was our favorite.  It had the most potential, felt sturdy, and had the most private location.  We went to the office and the landlord called the owner, who dropped his price by $3,000, signed the paperwork, and left.  So Kyle will be living at 915 Doresay.  It was exciting for them because it was their favorite and was basically a steal.  They are doing the trailer thing so he can live there, then sell it, and get their money back.  Plus, they will most likely fix it all up and it will probably sell for more.  It was kind of weird looking at it knowing I might end up there with him in a few years.  While it is a trailer, I was excited at the thought of it being a home for me and Kyle.  A house is just a building--it's the people inside that make it a home.  I was ready to get out of there though and see St. Louis.

We went to the Arch, which I loved.  I could have stayed there forever taking pictures of it.  I just thought it was so cool.  We left and went to LeClede's landing, which is a cobblestone road, so cute, which some restaurants.  We ate at Morgan Street Brewery, and then left to go explore downtown.  We came across the Old Courthouse, and went inside.  This was by far my favorite part of the trip.  We saw the courtroom where the Dred Scott decision was made, and explored the rest of the place.  It was so pretty and I just love historical places like that.  I love downtown St. Louis.  We then left to meet Kaleb at the Science Center.  That was a bit of a letdown, but it was nice to see him.  We then left, hung out at the motel for a bit, then went to P.F. Chang's.  It was Kaleb's first time so that was fun to see.  We went back, showered, then watched that gang show on the History Channel.  It was all about the Bloods and Crips, and I found it really interesting.  

So, all in all, minus yesterday, it was a good trip.  I am excited for Kyle, and can't wait for him to be a chiropractor.  He will be great.  

Retraction

I recently posted something on here about a person that I had no intention of anyone (who is close to her or acquainted with her) reading it.  


I would like to submit a retraction (withdraw; a statement or accusation as untrue or unjustified).  I in no way intended that to be read by anyone from my class or the girl who said it.  This does not make it okay, but I would like my character to remain in tact.  I did not post that out of malice or hate.  I am not a hateful person, and I would like it to be said that the aforementioned girl has never been rude, hateful, or anything toward me and I sincerely apologize for what I wrote.  I have actually never even talked to this girl other than in a group setting.  We are merely acquaintances, as are most of the people in my class, which is why I would have never thought anyone from class would read this.  I am very sorry, and feel horrible.  I have cried and cried this morning knowing that I have hurt someone's feelings.  I would NEVER EVER do that on purpose and strive to never unintentionally do that as well. I also fear that I may have burned some bridges, and defamed my character, because I don't know this girl at all, nor does she know me and how I am not a mean person.  Lesson learned, people who you NEVER dream of reading your stuff, will and do come across it for whatever reason.


To those that I hurt, whether it be the girl, or those close to her, I sincerely apologize and think only the best of her.  I just hope all can be forgiven.  People mess up.  People say things, but I am just a girl, whose opinion should not be regarded highly whatsoever.  


Love,


Nicole

Walking Around the World

I really want a pedometer for my birthday.
I want to walk a mile, see how many steps I take in a mile.
I would probably need to walk like ten separate miles and find my average number of steps per mile, then I would use that number for the next part of my plan.


There are 24,901.55 miles around the world at the equator, so I want to see how many days it takes me to walk around the world.  


This would be done by multiplying my average steps per mile by 24,901.55 and then keeping track of how many steps I take a day.


So, I would have to keep the pedometer on at all times, but this would be fun.  


It would probably take a while, but I want a pedometer even if I don't do this.  

My Happy Place

It bothers me that when I go to my mailbox, a place of grave importance to me, I see "F*** You."

Especially on days when my mailbox is empty.  It's like whoever wrote that was right.

But on days when I get mail, it's like right back atcha mailbox.

I'll Take It

Today I walked into class with a friend and a guy in my class said, "Hello Nicole . . Rachelle.  Man, you're dropping weight like crazy."  I said, "Me?" And he said, "Ya."  I giggled and said, "Okay, thanks!"  The thing is, I have dropped about ten pounds, but I kind of stopped and haven't been as diligent, but I thought, "I'll take it!"  As long as it looks like that then that's great.  Plus, the way he said it makes me think that I look as though I have, and that's good enough for me.  It motivated me to keep going though, so starting tomorrow I am getting back on it! 

Though I have somewhat slacked, I have been exercising every day.  I think this lovely weather has really helped me want to more.  I love to get outside in the sunny weather.

Hmmmmmm . . .

I often wonder if I really want to be a teacher.