In my writing methods class we had to read the first two chapters of our textbook and I honestly loved it.  The author explained that for kids, writing has become something that they dread, because of the way teachers present it.  For example, they might tell you what to write about or say, "it's time to journal . . . it's only ten minutes."  They present it as though it's agony.

She explains that as teachers we should try and remember a time when writing was significant to us and teach from there.  She also mentions that by giving kids topics, we are suggesting that their own lives are not significant enough to write about.  She really inspired me to write, and not necessarily write stories or something formulaic, but just to write about the little things in life that mean something to me.

For the same class, we were assigned to writing for a total of thirty minutes in the next week.  When my professor said thirty minutes I thought, "This is the greatest assignment ever!"  This is because I do love to write.  I love to organize my thoughts and recap the day.  I love to let out the stuff that I might not have had a chance to tell anyone.

Today was the first day of Nutrisystems.  I was actually surprised by how enjoyable some of the food was.  The banana nut muffin I had for breakfast was really good, like just as good as other stuff I have had.  I heated up some tomato soup, and it was awful!  But, I didn't actually order that one, it came for free, so it's cool.  I then tried the cheesy potatoes, they were rather good.  I had the pizza for dinner, and a fudge brownie.  It was all really good.  I have set a goal for 15 pounds by my birthday, March 27th.  I think it is a reasonable goal.  That's two months and I have seen in the past that when I work hard, sometimes I lose that even faster.

I am trying to stay positive through this and not get too anxious about the results.  I am trying to take it step by step and enjoy it.  What I will have to really work on is getting the exercise in.  I will also be going home this weekend, so I will have to be strong and stick to my meals, when other people are eating out or eating good stuff.

I was so bummed today because I got home, had some lunch, and was ready to do what I had planned when something unexpected came up:  a migraine.  If you have never had a migraine, consider yourself blessed.  It completely handicaps me.  The only thing I can do is sleep.  Today, that did not help.  I have had it now for six hours.  The most frustrating thing is that I can't do anything.  I can't read for school because it just makes it worse and I don't retain it.  I can't exercise, which I was really looking forward to because I have found a really good workout video.

It's annoying because you can't do anything, and I honestly worry what I will do when I am a teacher and I can't go home and lay down and I have 20+ kids being loud in a room with fluorescent lighting.  This makes sense if you have had a migraine, because the absolutely most soothing thing for it is to be in a dark, cool, quiet environment . . . basically you become a troglodyte.

I have found that these migraines occur regularly, along with something else that occurs regularly.  So I am afraid it is something I must learn to deal with.  I am fortunate enough to have a boyfriend that I can call, and though he can't do anything really, he makes me feel better.  He prayed for me and it gave me some perspective. 

Well I must go to sleep now.  Even with the two hour nap, I am a sleepy girl.

Lord,

Thank you for blessing me with health.  I know I have these migraines one week out of the month, but I am pretty healthy the rest of the time.

Amen.

Surprise, I'm At Your Apartment!

So Friday I was majorly down.  I had called my mom and just cried and cried.  I still have a lot to work through and I am fully aware that this semester will be a doozy, but my spirits were lifted when I got a surprise visit from my boyfriend.

When Kyle called me in the morning I thought, "he is coming to Albuquerque."  There were little clues I picked up on but I had decided that in order to not be REALLY disappointed if he wasn't coming, that I needed to tell myself he wasn't.  He did a good job trying to throw me off.

I went to class at 2:00 and I thought, I hope he doesn't call from the ranch, because if he calls from the ranch, he isn't coming.  So about 3:00, he text me in class to call him when I got out.  Well, we had already discussed me doing that so I was like hmmm.  I couldn't text because I was afraid of getting caught, so he text a few minutes later and said, "did you get my message."  I snuck in a "yes" text and then he kept texting me stuff like "when do you get out," etc.  That's when I was sure he was either in Albuquerque or really wanted to talk on the phone.  I knew it couldn't be the latter, because he hates talking on the phone. 

So a few minutes later he says, "Is there a secret way into your apartment" and before I could answer back, he says, "Surprise, I'm at your apartment!"  I was so happy, and could not stand the fact that I had to stay in class until 4:00. 

I finally got out of class and did not waste anytime getting back to my place.  I was so excited to see him and he will never fully understand how much him coming up meant to me.  I had prayed early that morning saying, "Jesus, please make it possible for him to come and see me this weekend."  He decided that morning to come and see me.

We had a great weekend.  My brother, Kyle, and I went to dinner at Monroe's Friday night, then we met up with Brad and Hayley at Flying Star.  We had some good conversation and a lot of laughs.  Cindy met up with us later, and the laughter and conversation ensued.  We said our goodbyes after a wonderful night.

The next day we did a little shopping for some pants that Kyle has been looking for.  We then met my brother at Cecilia's Cafe, a little New Mexican cafe that was featured on Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives.  It was alright, but it wasn't out of this world.  I did only have a chimichanga though too.  : )  Afterward, Kyle and I parted with Zak and continued our quest for pants.  We found the coolest ones, but they never have his size.  That's the price he pays for being tall and skinny. 

Later, Brad and Hayley came over and we played a couple games of Scene-It, went to Mimi's for dinner, and then went over to Brad and Hayley's where we ended up watching a John Lennon video.  Today we woke up and went to church.  I tried out First Family Church.  It's less than a minute away and I really did like it, plus a girl from school goes there too.  We left church, picked up an early fast food lunch ( yuck ), brought it back to my place and he was out the door by 11:30.  I of course shed quite a few tears, but he is good and reassuring me everything will be okay.  I watched him drive out onto Montgomery and began missing him. 

It went by way too fast, but I am so lucky and happy that he came up.  He can really lift my spirits and I really love having him around.  It's hard to be away from your best friend.  I am so grateful for him.  I am grateful for my mom too, because she was really there for me Friday morning when I needed it. 

Lord,

Thank you so much for blessing me with wonderful people in my life.  Thank you for my mom and my dad.  Thank you for bringing Kyle and I together.   Thank you for opening doors for school relationships and for providing a church to get connected to. 

Amen.

Shambles

Call me shambles because that's what I feel like. 

My emotions are on an extreme high.
My eyes are swollen, bloodshot, and I have black all over my face.

I have yet to unpack all my stuff from Christmas break and I have been here almost a week now.

I wonder if that's because I don't want to make it real.
Do I not unpack, because I know this isn't my home.

I know this place is temporary but I feel as though I am stuck here.
It's been a while since I have just laid in bed and cried, but I feel so lost.

Yesterday did not help.

I don't know if I want to be a teacher.
I don't know if it's where I am supposed to be.

Wednesday in a class we had to say why we wanted to be a teacher, and I have never had that life-altering moment where being a teacher was the only thing I could see myself doing . . . mainly because it's not.

I see myself lots of places.

To be quite honest.  I don't like it here in Albuquerque, at least not right now.
I am extremely frightened by my assignments for my methods classes.
I hate not having girlfriends around.
I hate living alone.
I miss having people all around.
I hate crying everyday.
I hate that all I want to do when I get back to my apartment is sleep.
I hate that I don't want to be around people because I don't want to have to put on a happy face.
I hate that I can't tell these things to anyone without sounding sad and pathetic.
Most of all, I hate that no one understands and especially not the one person that could maybe make me feel better.

Lord,

I need you.

Amen.

First Day

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." - Mark 5:34 

I need peace today.  Peace from somewhere else.  

I don't know why, but I am having a more difficult time this semester than last.

I know it's not suffering in the extreme sense of the word, but I almost feel helpless.

I fell asleep rather early last night, but then woke up at 11:15 with a migraine and a nauseated stomach.  I was so cold, and so hot.  It was miserable, especially because I was so tired, knew I had to be up at 5, and just wanted to be sleeping.

It's pretty depressing when the first thing you think of in the morning is how you can't wait to be back home later to go to sleep.

I am really hoping to like the church I will be trying out this Sunday and as much as I hate filling out those guest cards and stuff, I am going to.  I need to be connected somewhere in Albuquerque.  

I wish more than anything in the world that I could see my best friend this weekend . . . but I know that it won't happen.  

Lord,

Please be with me today as I start my new semester.  Help me to see the good, and to enjoy it.  Please calm my nerves and honestly, please let today go by fast.  Please help me in my long distance relationship, as I know that I am not the best at that.  Open up doors of opportunity.  Thank you for blessing me with a safe place to live and with the ability to be educated.  

I love you.

Amen.

Anxious

Today was my first full day in Albuquerque.  It was very uneventful, which is not surprising.  I went to get my books, and I only ended up with two.  The others have not been requested.  I had to get a USB Flash Drive for one class and I have to go to one of four people in the Ed. Dept. to download the course folder, which has a million sub-folders. 

I ordered my Nutrisystems meals today and I am very excited to get started.  I am the most unhappy with my appearance than I have ever been and I feel so incredibly uncomfortable in my own skin.  So, this time, I hope this lasts; not for anyone, just for me.  I want to feel comfortable and gorgeous again.  My perception is my reality right now and I am no okay with what I see.  I am really looking forward to seeing some results.

I also have acquired some workout videos, one I bought today for $7.  I got some from my mom's friend.  One I am pretty excited to see because I think it will be really funny.  It's called Sweatin in the Spirit.  I am excited to get into shape and feel good about myself. 

I am apprehensive and excited to start school tomorrow.  I need to remember to just breathe and take it step by step. 

Lord,

Thank you for wonderful family and friends who care about me and take the time to make me feel special.  Without them, I would be completely lost. 

The Life Of A Nomad

Every time I have to go back to school I get so incredibly irritated.  I am past the point of being excited to be on my own and to move back and forth from one place to another.  I am not meant for this nomadic life.  I wish more than anything to just be settled down. 

I get so frustrated that I get to one place, get settled, and comfortable only to have to leave in what feels like an instant.  I try my best to be happy and live in the moment; it is something I am working on, but I am just not good at it. 

I am so nervous to be back in Albuquerque.  I have no idea what to expect in my new classes.  I hate that my brother does not live in the same complex anymore.  These things and more cause so much anxiety for me and I hate it. 


I am the type of person who needs to know what to expect.  I have a hard time with the unexpected.  I have one professor who has already e-mailed us with seven attachments to print out and instructions to get a 4 GB USB and put everything on it before class.  This, while incredibly insane, eases my mind because at least I know what to expect.

If I don't have class on the 5th, which I still don't know, I will be going to Oklahoma with Kyle and his parents to see OU play Texas.  The fact that I have no clue which Friday's I will have class extremely bothers me.   Mostly because I can't plan, but also because I think it is incredibly inconvenient of the professor to have not informed us yet.

I have no idea if I am supposed to be student teaching this Thursday.  There has been no instruction on that as well.  I feel like I have to jump through hoops to find out what on earth I am supposed to be doing. 

I will be so happy and relaxed when I finally am able to settle, be in one place (except for vacation), have one job, one routine, and be around the people I love the most. 

I think I need to be talking to the man upstairs a lot more, because I only foresee this becoming more and more frustrating in the upcoming week and I know only he can give me a tangible peace. 


God,

I come to you today for a calmness that I know only you can provide.  I pray you ease my anxiety and worry about this first week of school.  I pray that in everything I do, I will be able to glorify you.  I pray for peace in my apartment alone.  I pray for discipline with the new changes I am about to face and I pray for doors to open with new people and a support group.  I love you and I thank you for the many wonderful blessings you have place in my life.  I thank you for the family and friends I am surrounded by and the difficulty I face when knowing I have to leave them.  You are so much bigger than my problems, worries, and frustrations, so I ask you to take them into your hands and do what you will with them.  I love you.

In your name I pray,

Amen.

Role Reversal

   Today I went to lunch with my grandma and my parents.  I, of course, picked up my grandma and drove her to lunch.  Every time I help her in the car, I have to help her with her seat belt.  Today as I was buckling her up before we headed back to her house, I realized that our roles have completely reversed. 

   When I was a little girl, she used to buckle my seat belt when I had trouble.  Then, I could do it on my own and she would race me.  We would get in the car and it was just understood that the race to buckle my seat belt first had begun.  I always won, but as I remember now, she tended to hold hers a little longer to let me win.

   Now, I help her into the car, I buckle her seat belt, and she holds onto me when she walks to avoid falling.  Every time I see her now I feel as though she is progressively older and older.  It makes me sad.  Lately she talks about my Papaw a lot.  I went to see her on the 2nd because it would have been their 68th wedding anniversary.  I brought her a strawberry milkshake.  She opened up her door and said, "Oh, just what I needed."  She looked as though she had been crying.

   I feel so bad, because there is not much I can do to make her feel better.  I began to ask her about her wedding day; what she wore, where it was, etc. and I think it made her feel a little better.  But in doing so, I felt more and more like I am missing out on something so special:  a granddad.  It made me wonder what it would have been like to have him there.  Would he have been sitting in the living room chatting with us, chiming in?  Would he have been in the kitchen reading the newspaper or outside picking up pecans?  Would he have liked me?  Would he have called me honey or darlin?  Would he have looked at my grandma lovingly when she was telling me about their wedding day?

    Not knowing either of my granddad's makes me so sad sometimes, but I know it's not anyone's fault.
It's just something I have a really hard time accepting.  I think the fact that the only grandparent I have left is my grandma makes it much more difficult. 

    I look forward to maybe meeting them in Heaven.

Lazy Days

Today was a great day.  I woke up to a call from Kyle asking me to come out to the ranch to hang out.  I really never get tired of hanging out with him which just confirms my belief that we are made for each other.  It was a lazy day.  We laid around, finished Season 2 of Dexter, Kyle made bloody noodles, and we watched Lucky Number Slevin.  I love just hanging out with him and thinking about the future.  I can't imagine anyone else I would rather spend it with.

He makes me laugh and I can't imagine a life without laughter. 

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward a couple years, but I know that I would be missing out of some really great things. 

I went to Wal-Mart tonight, returned some items, and bought some new ones.  I have three things of the new things I bought that I want to return.  I bought the second volume of the Glee Season 1 Soundtrack.  It's way better than the first.  I am really glad that I bought it.  I also got a calendar for five dollars, which is way better than spending a lot on one.  It comes down to about 42 cents a month.  It's not horrible either . . . for five bucks. 

I am about to start reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks.  The trailer looks really good for that movie and I am hoping that it's a good book.  I miss reading now that I am done with the Harry Potter Series.  I need to read Dear John too before that movie comes out. 

I love my life and I am so blessed. 

New Beginnings

It's been four days since I tiredly rang in 2010 and I have yet to sit down and make some New Year's Resolutions--this might be slightly due to the fact that I have not once kept a single resolution. This year, I really want to, and I have a vested interest in keeping at least the important ones.

Resolutions:

1. Lose 30 pounds, yep 30. This resolution is super important to me. This resolution is serious to me because I want to get in shape and get healthy, for me, and for the future. I also want to feel really good about myself. I will be completely honest and say that I am also doing this for the hypothetical future I dream of, and for my boyfriend that I love so much. I think it is important to be able to be proud of who you are with and I am so proud of him and he works hard on staying in shape and looking good, so I should too.

2. Exercise. I have noticed that I am getting to where I can't do a lot of what I used to be able to do and that just makes me mad. So, I am planning on exercising every other day and doing strength exercises on the days in between. This one is also very important to me--for me, for Kyle, and for some kiddos I hope to have one day.

3. Get into the word. This will be accomplished by following a book thing my dad gave me and I am really looking forward to it.

4. Be more positive.

5. Try and be more outgoing.

6. Find a church in Albuquerque.

7. Learn to live in the moment.

8. Call my grandma more.

9. Smile at strangers.

10. Put others above me.


Resolutions 1, 2, 6, and 8 will begin once I am back in Albuquerque.

I am really looking forward to some changes and I am really looking forward to getting healthy in 2o10. I hope this is a fantastic year!