Shambles

Call me shambles because that's what I feel like. 

My emotions are on an extreme high.
My eyes are swollen, bloodshot, and I have black all over my face.

I have yet to unpack all my stuff from Christmas break and I have been here almost a week now.

I wonder if that's because I don't want to make it real.
Do I not unpack, because I know this isn't my home.

I know this place is temporary but I feel as though I am stuck here.
It's been a while since I have just laid in bed and cried, but I feel so lost.

Yesterday did not help.

I don't know if I want to be a teacher.
I don't know if it's where I am supposed to be.

Wednesday in a class we had to say why we wanted to be a teacher, and I have never had that life-altering moment where being a teacher was the only thing I could see myself doing . . . mainly because it's not.

I see myself lots of places.

To be quite honest.  I don't like it here in Albuquerque, at least not right now.
I am extremely frightened by my assignments for my methods classes.
I hate not having girlfriends around.
I hate living alone.
I miss having people all around.
I hate crying everyday.
I hate that all I want to do when I get back to my apartment is sleep.
I hate that I don't want to be around people because I don't want to have to put on a happy face.
I hate that I can't tell these things to anyone without sounding sad and pathetic.
Most of all, I hate that no one understands and especially not the one person that could maybe make me feel better.

Lord,

I need you.

Amen.